stronger

today’s prompt: What experience has made you stronger? At the time you were experiencing it, how did it make you feel? what about it made you grow?

I think at first instinct I’d always go to my mom. It’s taken such a huge part of my life at this point and it’s clearly still on going. But in order to switch it up a bit let’s go a little far back, to of course, the other defining moment in my life, my dad’s death. Obviously my his death has really changed the course of my life, but also changed the way I am and has even directly impacted me current day, even though he’s now been gone for almost 17 years.

I know i’ve written about him a lot, but humor me a bit and read on. My dad was my partner in crime, it was me and him. He was my twin and the person who always made me laugh. You never really think about what life will be like once they’re gone. You think you have all the time in the world for that. My dad was diagnosed when I was in my last semester in college. Once I graduated, I immediately moved back home and helped with the appointments and his care. I didn’t look for a job, I spent my time with him, even then I didn’t think about him dying. I didn’t think of the future. I was just living in the now. I look back to that summer and am grateful for the time I spent with him. His death shaped me into the person I am today. A lot of my traumas, and certain mindsets stem for losing my dad in my 20s. But also, the importance of living in the now, and not taking for granted the time with your loved ones.

I’ve never been scared of my own death. I’ve always told myself “you have to live like its your last.” I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not. But when it comes to the death of others, more specifically my mom, I think i’ve lived a very “do as much as you can while you can” I think that shows with my stubbornness to put her in a home. There are a lot of reasons I haven’t been able to do so. I think the main one being, I don’t want to look back and regret the choices I’ve made. I want to look back and know i’ve done everything I can for her. I think it’s also been my downfall. There’s the traditional mindset that she raised me, now it’s my turn. But when does that end? When is it enough? When do I stop sacrificing myself for her?

Both events have made me much stronger. I’ve gone through days I didn’t think I could, and days I didn’t want to. There are times I don’t feel strong, but when I look back at the last couple years I have no regrets. Could I have done different things? Probably. But I am where I’m supposed to be. I like to think everything I’m doing Is for a reason, and each day I get stronger for it. I often think about my dad with fondness and wonder how different it would be if he were here. I wonder if he’d be proud of the woman I’ve become. I wish I got to know him as an adult and not just my dad. Looking back losing him was the worse thing I could have gone through, but then I did. And then life threw another curveball and here I am. Still standing, still loving and caring no matter how difficult that days are.