over-care.

In an effort to do something consistently for the next couple months, I’m going to try to journal/blog everyday. When I turned 35 my godson got me a journal I had asked for titled “new mindset, who dis?” I figured on top of trying to do that everyday, I wanted to write on here. Everything will probably sound the same lol but hopefully it wont? Who knows. Here’s the prompt for today:

In what areas of your life do you over-care what others think? Why do you think that is?

The first thought that came to mind, is my mom. I struggle a lot with how people see how I’m living my life. I care a lot about what people think in regards to how I am with my mom. It actually really upsets me. I’m always so concerned with how people judge me in terms of how I’ve changed, and how I take care of mom. I feel like people think I’m not doing enough, or I’m lazy or I’m so “different.” I think people see that “well shes not working what else does she have to do” or “it must be nice to not work” I wish people understood I wish I can work. I wish I can have a boring 9-5. and while i know i can, it would be in the sacrifice of taking care of my mom. I am not made to be a caretaker. I never wanted to be in the health industry, I never even wanted to be a mom. And now I have this whole ass grown adult to take care of. I worry people don’t understand how hard and draining it is for me.

Then it comes to “she’s so different” I am. I wish I didn’t have to be. In the past, I was the FIRST person to yell shot' o clock and pour all the shots. I’m not sure if its the age or the recovery but I don’t want to be hungover taking care of mom. Maybe in that second I have help for mom, but what about the next morning when I’m getting her up early. When I have to feed her or clean up after her. Sometimes it’s just not worth it. It always goes back to I wish i could be who I was before.

I’m not sure why I over-care what people think when it comes to this. I guess the thought of being judged for doing my best, or the fear of not doing enough when it comes to her is always there. I think deep down I feel like I should be doing more even though I’m already doing what I can to the best of my ability. I guess i’m placing my fears and putting them assumptions into what others think of me.